Queer Eye for the Jedi
by Jane Lane
Summary: Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets a makeover, Fab Five style.
1. Part One

Author's Notes:  Okay, so you knew _somebody_ was gonna write this…  I hope it hasn't been done to death already.  If it has, well, consider this its resurrection.  

Obviously, I own none of this, but it's just so much fun to play with them all.  What happens when Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets a makeover by none other than the Queer Eye guys?  

~~~~~

Queer Eye for the Jedi 

VO (as clips from the show flash by):  Tonight on "Queer Eye for the Jedi," can the Fab Five really turn this Jedi Knight into a Fashion Delight?  Only one way to find out…

*cue Queer Eye theme song*

The Queer Eye 'speeder pulls up in front of the Imperial Palace and the Fab Five pile out.  Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and savior of the galaxy stands at the curb, looking, for the first time in quite some time, nervous.  

Thom, eyeing the Palace: Will you look at the _size_ of this thing? 

Carson, eyeing the Jedi: Oh, he probably gets that all the time.

Luke smiles uncertainly and laughs just a little: Nice to meet you.

Carson takes over and begins doing the introductions, standing at what seems to Luke to be an uncomfortably close distance to the Jedi Master. 

Carson: This is Jai, your culture expert. Kyan is grooming, Ted's your food and wine guy, Thom will be zshuzshing up your apartment—

Luke frowns: Zshuzshing?

Carson: Yes, it's a technical term. And I, I will be responsible for your couture.

Luke raises his eyebrows but continues to frown: Couture?

Carson: Yes, it's a—

Luke: --technical term, I got it. 

Carson: Well, my dears, let's see what we're up against.

-cut-

The six take the turbolift up to Luke's floor.

Jai, looking around the interior of the turbolift: See, this is about the size of my apartment, right here. Look, Thom is in the bathroom, Kyan and Ted are in the living room, Carson and I are in the kitchen, and Luke's in the bedroom.

Carson: How fortuitous!

Luke blushes and tries to pretend he didn't catch the prurient overtone in Carson's statement: Well, I didn't choose to live here. It was a gift of sorts. It's actually too big for my tastes. 

Carson, almost giggling when Luke says "too big for my tastes": No gift is _too_ big.

Luke blushes deeper and resolutely shuts his mouth until they reach his apartment. The door slides open and the group walks into the entryway of Luke's home.

Thom: Good gods, you could house a forest of Ewoks in here!

Kyan leans over Jai: Wow, do you have a map or something? *He fishes in his pockets and then turns to the rest of his group* Do any of you have any crackers? Bread? I'm gonna need to leave a trail of crumbs or something…

Carson, meanwhile, to self: Echo! *listens as his voice comes back to him* "echo, echo, echo…"

Jai, laughing: C'mon, boys, we've got a job to do.

Ted, looking eager to get started: Let's go!

Each takes off in a different direction and Luke remains standing in the entryway, looking lost.

-cut-

Carson is standing in Luke's closet, madly flipping through the clothing hanging up.

Carson: Black *flip* black *flip* black *flip* black… ooh look, brown! *He pulls out the old cloak.

Luke, shaking his head: That doesn't fit anymore.

Carson rolls his eyes and tosses it aside with a flourish.

-cut-

Kyan is standing in the bathroom, looking around. Like everything else, the bathroom is enormous, with a large inset tub, a large shower, a large sink, and what seems like miles of marble. Kyan peers around, holding something in his hand.

Kyan, to himself: A bar of soap. A bar of—_one _bar of soap? That's it?

He shakes his head sadly.

-cut-

Thom, Jai, and Ted are in the kitchen, poking through cabinets and storage units.

Ted, holding a few small containers of various spices: Okay, I give up, where's he keep the actual _food_?

Thom slides open a drawer and holds its contents up for the rest to see.

Thom: Power converters?

-cut-

Kyan, still in the bathroom: _One_ bar of soap. 

-cut-

Carson, amid a pile of discarded black clothing including pants, shirts, coats, cloaks, and the old brown robe: I think it's high time we integrated some color into your wardrobe. How do you feel about cerulean?

Luke, feeling as if all he's doing is repeating everyone else: Cerulean?  
  
Carson: It's blue.

Luke, looking just a bit miffed, even for a Jedi: I knew that. I just meant—

Carson, patting him on the shoulder effeminately: Ooh, looks _and_ brains! No wonder there aren't more Jedi, that's a pretty strict set of admission standards right there. 

Luke colors just a bit as Carson idly paws through the few remaining things still hanging but notices Luke.

Carson, to the camera and turning Luke to face it as well: Aww, look, he's blushing! Isn't that _adorable_! *to Luke* So can Jedi really read minds? 

Luke: Uh, more like picking up feelings, emotions, that sort of—

He cuts himself off and blushes again, trying to control the blush. Carson grins at the camera.

Carson: Wow, that was almost _too_ easy.

-cut-

Back in the kitchen, Ted has his head in the cold storage unit. He stands up and backs away so the camera can peer into it as well. There are five or six shelves, each holding a single item, and each item looks as if it has been there since the Clone Wars.

Ted: Look, it's like a little mausoleum in there. 

Jai, sounding happy: Hey, here we go!

Jai is reaching into a cabinet, pulling out a few containers and boxes of non-perishable food items. Ted comes over to take a look.

Ted: On the menu tonight, we could have re-hydrated fruit… re-hydrated vegetables… re-hydrated *he peers at the label more closely* oh, more re-hydrated fruit, and… Snerf. *he reads off the label* "Synthetic nerf-steak so delicious, you'll never know the difference". *he shakes the can and makes a disgusted face* It sounds _gelatinous_. 

He pulls open the lid and shakes the Snerf out onto a plate where it sits, jiggling a little, perfectly retaining the shape of the container. He and Jai look at each other, then at the plate, then back at each other.

-cut-

Thom is now standing in the living room, examining the sparse and utilitarian furniture. It's all clean but it's also all old and obviously second-hand at the very least. Done in various colors, two chairs, a couch of sorts, and three tables are arranged in the center of the room. None of them match each other and none of them match the room's colors either. Thom shudders.

Thom, in a whisper as he stares at the décor: The Dark Side…

-cut-

Luke and Kyan are in the center of the bathroom. Kyan looks scandalized.

Kyan: You've got… okay, you've got _one_ bar of soap, and some toothpaste. What exactly is your skincare regime?

Luke looks uncertain and has a feeling he's about to walk into a trap. 

Luke: Wash it and dry it?

Kyan pauses for a long time and finally looks around the bathroom.

Kyan: Well, at least the tub is clean.

-cut-

Jai and Ted are still staring at the Snerf. Finally, Ted snatches up the plate hurriedly and dumps it into the trash.

Ted: Let's never speak of this.

-cut-

Thom, talking to self and poking around the living room:  It's like a big gay pride parade exploded in here!  Blue chair, red chair, green chair…  And gray walls.  Gray walls.  It's like being inside a garbage chute.

He sits down on one of the chairs and leans back, then makes a pained face.

Thom: Yeah… yeah, because this is a comfortable chair worth having, despite the color.  Sure.

-cut-

Carson is still in Luke's closet but is now digging around in various storage units.

Carson: I'm seeing boots.  I'm seeing one pair of boots.  I'm seeing *he digs further* two pairs of boots.  I'm seeing… I'm seeing a desperate need for stylish footwear.

He digs one last time and produces a hideous pair of nearly-worn-out boots identical in style (or lack thereof) to the other two pairs.

Carson, very seriously: This… *he gestures at the old boots*  this is a cry for help.

-cut-

Kyan, to Luke: Do you know what free radicals are?

Luke smiles weakly and tries to make a joke: Are they anything like midichlorians?

Kyan, still holding the soap and looking upset at it:  No.

-cut-

Carson swirls into the living room where Thom, Ted, and Jai have gathered, wearing Luke's old brown cloak.  Kyan and Luke appear moments after.

Thom: Okay, so, what's the big occasion of the evening?  
  
Luke: My sister is the guest of honor at the annual Senate Dinner, and she asked me to attend.  She's been pushing me lately about my current style.

Carson:  *eyes Luke critically*  I'm not sure "style" is the word you're looking for.

Luke laughs good-naturedly and Carson addresses his bunch.

Carson: So, what's first?  
  
-cut to first commercial break-


	2. Commercial

Author's notes in the first chapter.  Not really important, anyway.

~~~~~

-cut to first commercial break-

Lando Calrissian, complete with his trademark cape, is on-screen holding a bottle of Whyren's Reserve Malt Liquor Beverage Product.

LANDO, smiling:  I've been in some pretty tight situations over the years, and I've learned that there are few things you can rely on.  But no matter what, I could always count on my friends, and I could always count on this.

Lando cheerfully holds up the bottle.

LANDO:  Whyren's Reserve Malt Liquor Beverage Product.  Whyren's has been making it for decades, and through the years, the quality and precision of Whyren's has never faltered.  Just as good today as it was forty years ago.

Lando pauses and takes a sip.

LANDO:  Mmm…  but don't let the smooth taste fool you.  

Suddenly, a bevy of beautiful females of all species appear and crowd around Lando who happily raises his bottle.

LANDO:  Whyren's Reserve… works every time.

-cut back to the show-


	3. Part Two

See first chapter for author's notes.  (There aren't many of 'em anyway.)

~~~~~

-cut to first commercial break-

Interview Interlude

*on screen, Leia is sitting against a white backdrop.  Text beneath her reads: The Sister*

Leia, laughing: Luke has never really cared too much about style or fashion.  He's also got this real affinity for the color black, which I've never completely understood.  Might have something to do with our father…

*cut to Han, against the same backdrop.  Text beneath reads: The Best Friend*

Han, shaking his head: The kid looks like he's about twelve, if ya ask me.  Somethin' to do with the hair, I think.  I dunno, maybe the ladies really go for that look *laughs*  Kinda reminds me of an Ewok, personally.

*cut to Wedge, against same backdrop.  Text beneath reads: Former Roommate*

Wedge, looking thoughtful but smiling: Yeah, I lived with him for a few years awhile back.  There was no doubt about which part of the room was his.  Just look for the side with absolutely _no_ decoration and _no_ sense of style.  That was Luke.  

*cut back to Leia*

Leia, a little confused:  His hair?  What's wrong with his hair!  I think he looks sweet.  Like a little Ewok.

*cut to Wedge*

Wedge, smirking: I'm not authorized to comment on Luke's hairstyle.  

End Interview Interlude

Luke and Kyan are standing in an upscale-looking salon filled with the most modern furniture imaginable and flatscreens covering the walls displaying various shots of modern art.  A woman comes bouncing over to him, looking entirely too fashionable to be working in a salon.

Kyan: This is Kendra.

Kendra descends on Luke, who takes a step backward before he can really help himself.  She runs her fingers through his hair, pushing it off his forehead.

Kendra, over-emoting horribly: Oh, _honey_, this hair… you could do _so_ much more with it than _this_!

Kyan is now poking around Luke's head, too:  So, what do you think, Kendra?  Lighten it up a little, take some of this *he gives Luke's bangs a little shake, giving him a tousled, just-got-done-pod-racing look* off, get rid of the split ends?

Luke, eyes up, trying to see what the two are doing: I have split ends?  
  
Kyan, ignoring Luke:  We also need to get him some decent hair products, probably some moisture-rich shampoo, some sort of conditioner, maybe some gel or some wax, something to give it some texture.

Luke, confused: I thought hair _wasn't_ supposed to be waxy.

Kendra, talking over him: Oh, definitely, definitely.  *She grabs one of his hands and doesn't catch Luke's look of surprise*  And we also need to do something about his nails.  

Luke, making his voice heard: A _manicure_?!  No.  

Kyan: Oh, c'mon, I get them all the time!

Luke just raises his eyebrows and gives him a my-point-exactly look, but Kendra is already dragging him away by the wrist.

-cut-

Thom is in Luke's apartment, frantically painting and muttering to himself: Must cover the gray, must cover the gray.  

He turns to the camera.

Thom: No matter what the situation, you should always cover the gray.

-cut-

Luke is sitting in a salon chair.  He's got pieces of foil sticking out of his head at odd angles and Kendra is busily filing and buffing his nails.

Luke, looking upward toward his scalp: Is this supposed to burn?  
  
Kendra, never ceasing the buffing and filing: It might sting a little.  That's just the bleach.

Luke: No, no, this definitely burns.  It—wait a minute, bleach??

-cut-

Carson is still wearing Luke's old brown robe and is standing on the street in front of the salon, frantically waving his hands at people.

Carson, intoning gravely as he waves a hand at a woman in an unflattering dress: You do not ever want to wear that shade of purple again.

He pauses and waits for a reaction but she continues down the street.  

Carson, waving a hand at a man with severely slicked-down hair: You don't need that much gel.

This time, the recipient actually turns and repeats, offended: I don't need that much gel?

Carson, staring at his hand and looking stunned, in an awed whisper: It worked…

-cut-

Kendra is standing behind Luke, snipping and combing and touching up her work.  Finally, she gives Luke's chair a spin so that he can see himself in the mirror and Kyan can also inspect her work.  Luke's eyes widen terrifically.

Luke, shocked: I'm _blonde_!

Kyan, off-handedly: You were already blonde.

Luke keeps trying to run his hands through his hair, styled very differently now and much shorter in most places.  Kendra keeps smacking his hands away from his head.

Kendra, proudly: Look how much more pulled-together he looks!

Kyan, grinning: I love the highlights.  Really gives the style some depth.

Kendra: And the way it's *smacks Luke's hands* cut, you can wear it forward and smooth for a *smacks Luke's hands again* really nice formal look, or you can tousle it up and *smack* get more of a carefree feel.  Personally, I—will you stop that?! 

Luke: It's so… short.

Kendra, looking at Luke directly: It's trendy!  Besides, now we get to see that pretty face you always hid under that mess of hair.

Luke blushes and glances down at his hands folded neatly in his lap, then frowns.

Luke: Hey!  I thought you said you wouldn't paint my nails!

Kendra: You're calcium deficient.  Weak nails.  *pauses as Luke's expression doesn't change, then says defensively*  It's just a little clear polish to strengthen them.

Luke, shaking his head: You painted my nails.

-cut-

Luke and Kyan are standing outside the salon, Carson still waving his hands at people.  He stops when he notices Luke.

CARSON: Wow, don't you look amazing!

KYAN, happily: Doesn't he?  I mean look at what the highlights did for his complexion, and we finally got that hair out of his face so you can see his eyes.

CARSON: Aww, look how adorable you are!

Luke just smiles sheepishly in response.

KYAN, proudly: And he was a pretty good sport about it all, too.  *to Luke* How do you feel?

LUKE, still smiling: Actually, I feel good...  The color change was a little surprising, but I think I like it. *seems surprised to hear himself admit it*  Yeah, it's good!

CARSON, eagerly: And now... now we've got... SHOPPING!

Luke suddenly doesn't look so happy anymore.

-cut-

Luke and Carson are standing in the middle of a large, fashionable store.  Luke is still squinting a little in displeasure and patting at the top of his head.

CARSON, pulling a vibrant green shirt from the rack: Now this brings out your eyes!

LUKE, frowning: My eyes are blue.

CARSON, holding the shirt up to him: Yes, but the green shirt makes your eyes look bluer.  It makes them _pop_!

LUKE, muttering to himself: They're popping, all right.

Carson circles the Jedi and cocks his head appraisingly.

CARSON: You work out, huh?

LUKE, trying not to blush: Y-yeah?

CARSON, rolling his eyes dramatically and pulling at the loose fabric of Luke's pants: Well, Sith, honey, _show yourself off_!

LUKE, side-stepping away from Carson: Well, I'm not really comfortable with--

Carson pays him no attention and instead grabs a pair of leather pants off the nearest rack, holds them up to Luke, and gives a perfunctory nod.

CARSON, in a definitive tone: Yes, put these on.

LUKE, squirming now and uncertain: Leather?

Carson suddenly looks horrified.

CARSON: Stars, you're right!  *checks the tag on the pants*  Oh, thank the Force, they're synthetic!  *addresses the camera*  We don't advocate cruelty to animals for the sake of high fashion.

LUKE, beginning to look panicky: Are you sure they're synthetic?  Because you know, sometimes they use _mostly_ synthetic materials but then they'll use real animals, too, and--

Carson scans the store and sees a group of young women browsing in the shoe section.  He flounces over to them happily.

CARSON: Okay, girls, I need your opinion.  See that man over there?

GIRL #1: Oooh, the hottie with the kickin' hairstyle?

CARSON: Yep.

GIRL #2: Hey, he's a Jedi, isn't he?  Those robes... hey, that's _Luke Skywalker_!  Ohmigod, I have pictures of him _everywhere_ in my room!  He is sex on two legs!

GIRL #3: *random squealing*

LUKE, trying desperately to _not_ listen: Oh no…

-cut-

Thom has finished his paint job and is now sitting on a much-more-comfortable-looking chair, looking satisfied with himself and nibbling at a plate of rehydrated vegetables and Snerf.

THOM: Y'know, it's not really as bad as everyone says.

-cut-

Carson is still standing in front of the group of girls in the department store.

CARSON: Don't you think he'd look absolutely _fab_ulous in those leather pants he's holding?

GIRL #1, suddenly wearing a shrewd look: We'll tell you our opinion on one condition.  We have to actually see him in those pants.

GIRL #2: Ohmigod, Tally, that's a _great_ idea!  Gods, I'll be fantasizing for weeks!

GIRL #3: *random squealing*

CARSON: Oooh, I love a good bargain.  You got it.  You can be our panel of judges!

LUKE, giving one last plea: Leather?  Seriously?

CARSON: _Yes_!

GIRL #1: Definitely.

GIRL #2: Ohhh _baby_, puh-_LEEZE_ put 'em on!

GIRL #3: *random squealing*

CARSON, to the camera while nodding toward #3: I like her.

-cut to second commercial break-


	4. Commercial 2

Author's notes in first part.  Not important.

~~~~~

-cut to second commercial break-

We see a peaceful scene.  There is a lake in the distance, and a tree-lined road in the foreground.  

A speeder is heard before it's seen, coming down the road.  The camera cuts to the inside where a happy couple is laughing and talking, the radio playing a popular song in the background.  

Suddenly, a creature hops into the middle of the road, brown and furry and innocent.  The woman looks horrified as the man's eyes widen and he starts to swerve.  The scene pauses.

Hobbie Klivian is on-screen, standing in front of a huge projected image of this.

HOBBIE:  This could have ended disastrously.  But thanks to the new inline braking system in all Vega speeders, it didn't.

The image behind him jolts into action again and we see the results as the speeder avoids the animal which happily hops back into the woods, and the man and woman relax in their seats, relieved smiles on their faces.  

HOBBIE:  Vega speeders, the highest-rated speeders in all safety categories.  *pauses and grins*  And we're living proof.  *kneels down next to the same furry creature from earlier*  Right little guy?

Cut to the Vega logo and announcer voiceover:  Vega speeders for life.

-cut back to the show-


	5. Part Three

Author's Notes:  Well, shucks!  Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful feedback so far!!  I had no idea when I plopped this baby up here that it would get such a warm and loving reception.  I appreciate everyone's comments and y'know, it's just too damn fun writing this!

~~~~~

Carson is standing with the group of girls outside the dressing room, tapping his foot impatiently.

CARSON, with an audible eye-roll: Just come out already!  *turns to the camera*  Oh, if only I were so lucky.

The girls are giggling amongst themselves, every now and then giving each other the typically girly arm-grasp in anticipation.

LUKE, from inside the room:  All right, but just so you know, I don't think they fit.

CARSON:  They don't fit?  Can you zip them up?

LUKE, dubiously:  Well, yes, but-

CARSON: Then they fit.  

Luke cautiously pushes open the fitting room door, surreptitiously keeping one hand in front of. himself.  He's wearing deep burgundy leather pants that couldn't be more fitted if they were painted on.  His shirt, a strange gauzy sea blue, is fastened up to his chin, and he's trying to hold closed the bright green jacket, already at a disadvantage as the jacket's various pieces-arms, collar, front panels, and back-are held together with some sort of black see-through webbing.

LUKE: They're too tight.

GIRL #2: Oh no, they aren't!

GIRL #1, with awe: It's. it's everything I'd hoped it would be.

GIRL #3: *bursts into glorious overwhelmed tears*

Carson shakes his head with a noise of annoyance and approaches Luke, who instinctively backs up.  Carson hurriedly unbuttons the top three buttons to the shirt and slips some sort of strap through a few strategically-placed slots in the jacket, thereby keeping it held back.

LUKE, shaking his head:  I can't wear this.

CARSON, scandalized:  This is cutting-edge couture, my friend!  You look amazing in it!

LUKE, frowning:  It doesn't match!

CARSON:  Matching outfits went out with the stormtroopers, honey.  This is the wave of the future.

Luke sighs and studies himself in the mirror, cringing as he notices the giggling girl entourage behind him.  Trying not to attract any notice, he vaguely waves one hand as he looks at them in the mirror.

LUKE, muttering: You don't like leather pants.

GIRL #2:  I dunno, maybe leather's not quite him.

Luke sags in relief and turns to go back to the fitting room to take off the pants, which are also incredibly warm.

GIRL #1:  Yeah, I think he's more of a spandex kind of guy.

Luke's shoulders slump.

CARSON, calling after him:  And stand up straight!  Everyone loves confidence!

-cut-

Luke is standing in the foyer of what's obviously a winery, Ted and Jai on one side, Carson on the other.

TED:  So, you're going to a Senate dinner.  The good news is that you won't have to do much in the way of food preparation, but you should always know a few basics, which is what we're going to cover today.  First we're going to talk wine.

Luke just nods, for once not intimidated or uncomfortable, as he follows Ted and Jai to a table off to the side.  Almost instantly, a droid appears carrying a tray filled with various wineglasses.

TED, taking one and passing it to Luke:  This is a red wine, a cabernet sauvignon.

-cut-

Clip montage of Thom decorating Luke's apartment.  We see him installing some complicated-looking candle sconces above the enormous tub in the bathroom, painting an intricate pattern of sponging on the living room walls, and organizing Luke's collection of music, which Thom can't stop laughing at.

He holds up one of the albums for the camera.

THOM: The Starlight Vocal Band.  We hope Jai is picking up some new music.  

-cut-

Luke is sitting at the table, his cheeks a little flushed and looking mildly disheveled.  He takes a large swig out of one of the wine glasses in front of him.

LUKE, slurring a little:  I like this one.  's not too sweet.

TED, to the droid:  I think we're just about done here.

Luke tries to reach across Ted to snag one last glass but Ted intercepts his hand.

JAI, to the camera:  Who knew Jedi were such lightweights!

LUKE, indignant: 'm not a lightweight.  I jus' don't drink very often.

JAI: I'm not gay.  I just don't sleep with women very often.

-cut-

The five of them have returned to Luke's apartment, and Luke, at least for the time, is back in his usual all-black Jedi garb.

  
CARSON, with a hand over Luke's eyes:  Are you ready to see your fabulous new apartment?

LUKE:  S-sure.

Carson takes his hand away with a flourish and Luke's eyes widen dramatically.  He blinks a few times and then the camera pans back so we can see what he sees.

His living room, which was once gray with a rainbow variety of secondhand chairs, is now the proud owner of light sage green walls with a vague pattern of slightly darker green sponging.  Deep brown leather couches flank the fireplace, and the utilitarian tables and lighting have been replaced by friendlier dark wood and a few strategically placed light panels.

Following Luke to the kitchen, we see that it's been stocked with beautiful new flatware and a table setting for eight in the cabinet.  Fresh fruits and vegetables fill baskets lining the counter, and new cooking appliances have replaced the used and/or broken ones.

We move to the bathroom to see that it has been painted a pale indigo, with matching towels and accessories accentuating it.  Beyond that, the bedroom is also done in the same shade of indigo and the bedding done in matching, but much much darker, indigo.  It looks as if it's made of some sort of synthetic velour.  

THOM, expectantly:  Well?  What do you think?

LUKE, still wide-eyed:  I feel like I'm at a hotel I could never afford.

CARSON, immediately:  Ooh, can I rent a room here?

LUKE, finally beginning to smile: I don't think Jedi are supposed to have such posh surroundings.  

TED:  I don't think Jedi are supposed to eat Snerf, either.

THOM:  That stuff's not half bad.

LUKE, frowning:  I had Snerf in my apartment?  Gods, I can't even remember buying it.  It probably came with the place!

Thom looks a little ill.

CARSON, excitedly:  Okay, boys, pull up some chairs!  It's time for us to have a little fashion show!

Luke looks a little ill.

-cut-

Once again, Luke is back in the leather pants, this time wearing a plain crimson shirt which he keeps tugging, desperately trying to pull it down and over his relatively obvious physical attributes.

  
CARSON, snippily:  If you keep pulling on that, you're going to stretch it all out!

LUKE, under his breath: Exactly.

CARSON, happily ignoring Luke:  So this is definitely something that you could wear if you were going out to a nice dinner, having a night on the town.  Then _this_ *he picks up a silver cape and swings it around Luke's shoulders* is something you can throw over the top for a more dramatic look.

LUKE, staring down at himself:  I feel like Lando Calrissian.

CARSON, disparagingly: Lando never wore anything this trendy in those commercials.

-cut-

Short clip montage of Luke and Carson digging through Luke's new clothing.

-cut-

Luke is standing in tan colored pants that end just below his knees in a strange elastic band.  His shirt is a dark green and sleeveless, over which he's wearing a mint-green vest of some undetermined synthetic fiber, and a sheer green coat as well.

  
CARSON:  This is something you can wear on an everyday basis.  

LUKE:  What exactly is it you think I _do_ on an everyday basis?

-cut-

Luke is now wearing a pair of flowing, deep blue trousers, a cream-colored tunic, and a matching deep blue knee-length cloak.  

All five men applaud.

KYAN:  Oh, that is definitely the look for tonight.

CARSON:  See, and if you want to make a dramatic entrance *he unhooks the clasp of the cloak* you can _whip_ it off!  *yanks the cloak from Luke's shoulders with a swirl of fabric*

LUKE, uncertainly: All. all right.

CARSON, putting the cloak back on him:  Here, you try it.

Luke, wearing a helpless confused expression, takes his cloak in one hand and gives a half-hearted tug.  It slips from his shoulders rather gracelessly and falls with a soft *whump* sound to the ground.

CARSON, staring dumbstruck and deadpanning:  Okay, so you leave the cloak on.  No biggie.

-cut-

The Fab Five are standing at the doorway to Luke's apartment, and the group is shaking hands and giving hugs.

CARSON:  Remember, it's all in the attitude, no matter what you wear!  .  but don't wear black.

KYAN:  Work the product in from back to front, and make sure to moisturize your skin.

TED:  No more Snerf.  *pauses*  And stick with wine spritzers tonight.

JAI:  It's okay to like the Starlight Vocal Band, but, y'know, probably not in public.

THOM:  Light the candles.  They're scented!

More hugging, hand-shaking, and thank-you's are exchanged, and finally, Luke's door slides shut.  He sags weakly against it, then he raises a hand and examines his fingernails.

KYAN, through the door:  And don't touch that clear polish!

-cut to last commercial break-


	6. Commecial 3

Author's notes in other parts.  Not important.  But if you want to actually _sing_ this jingle, sing it to the tune of the "Modern Major General".  (Props to Gilbert and Sullivan, and to a dear fanfiction.net writer who wrote "Severus' Sorting Song" to the tune as well.  So additional mad props to Textualsphinx.)

~~~~~

-cut to third commercial break-

We see a happy, if goofy-looking, chef in his kitchen (looking much like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets), who suddenly bursts into song, singing and tossing around various kitchen utensils and food.

_Ohhhh if you want a yummy treat that's very economical,_

_A meal for friends and family with a taste that's astronomical,_

_Repast chock full of nutrients and all good things nutritional,_

_But still within the limits of good dining so traditional._

_We offer a solution that we know you'll find agreeable,_

_A product you'll enjoy for all the future that's foreseeable._

_From culinary institutes to barbecues held by the surf,_

_You'll always be successful when you cook your dishes using Snerf!_

Triumphantly, the chef picks up a can of Snerf.

  
CHEF:  Snerf, synthetic nerf-steak so delicious, only _you'll_ know it's not the real thing!

Close-up of the can of Snerf while the last line of the jingle repeats.

_You'll always be successful when you cook your dishes using Snerf!_

-cut back to the show-


	7. Part Four The End

Author's Notes:  Here it is.  The end.  Thanks so much to everyone who's been leaving me such lovely reviews!  They motivated me to get my ass in gear and finish this up in a timely fashion, proving that the old adage is true:  starve a fever, feed a fanfic writer.  Thanks again!

~~~~~

-cut back to the show-

The Fab Five have returned to their loft to watch Luke's big debut as the new and improved Jedi Master.  Mounted cameras in Luke's apartment and the camera crew still there are recording the evening's events. 

The guys settle themselves on sofas in front of the large holoscreen, cocktails in hand.

JAI, as the camera follows Luke through the apartment:  Thom, you did some amazing things with that apartment.

CARSON, watching eagerly as Luke begins stripping off clothes and heading into the bathroom:  Yeah, look how nice he's making it look, leaving that trail of clothes into the bathroom.

Luke pokes one head and an arm out of the bathroom, almost as an afterthought, nods, and the clothes pick themselves up and deposit themselves in a nearby hamper.

CARSON, scowling:  Show-off.

THOM, staring intently at the screen as the shot cuts to the overhead of Luke in the bathroom:  Yeah, speaking of showing things off…

KYAN, looking at Luke standing in a pair of boxer-briefs:  Must… not… make… lightsaber reference…

-screen cuts to Luke, wearing a towel and attempting to do his hair-

KYAN, crossing his fingers:  Use the mousse, Luke.

-screen cuts to Luke standing in front of his closet-

Luke is flipping through his new wardrobe, pausing at the leather pants and chuckling.

CARSON:  He likes them.  He just doesn't _know_ he likes them yet.

TED:  Funny, that's what they used to say about me and… well, nevermind.

Onscreen, Luke is putting on the dark blue outfit.  He is about to fasten the clasp to the cloak but he pauses.

CARSON, excitedly:  Ooh, look, he's gonna try it again!

JAI:  He's practicing, how cute!

Luke takes one side of the cloak and pulls.

CARSON, shouting:  Easy, there, jackass, you're not startin' a motor!

-screen cuts to Luke on his way out the door-

Luke stops in front of a mirror one last time before leaving the apartment, staring at his reflection and poking at his hair a bit.

KYAN, gritting his teeth:  He just can't break the habit.

THOM, thoughtfully:  Gritting your teeth is a bad habit, too, isn't it?

-screen finally cuts to the main event, the Senate Dinner-

Luke's family and friends are eagerly milling about the entrance to the hall, Leia, Han, various members past and present of Rogue Squadron, Chewie, and even Lando.  Luke's speeder pulls up and everyone, including the Fab Five in their loft, holds their breath.

When Luke emerges, the shock on everyone's face is priceless.  Spontaneous applause breaks out as everyone cheers.  Luke blushes.

LEIA, gesturing at him:  Well, go on, turn around!  Let's see the whole picture!

Luke obliges, doing a graceful turn while unhooking the fastener on the cloak, and finishing the turn by sweeping the cloak off his shoulders in a dramatic swirl.

CARSON:  He did it!  He did it!  Ohhh, he really _does_ love me.

An impressed chorus of ooh's fills the air and there is another round of applause.

HAN:  You're blonde, kid!

KYAN, muttering:  Why does everyone keep saying that…

LUKE, chuckling:  Yeah, well, at least I'm not wearing the leather pants!

WEDGE, shocked:  _Leather pants_??  My entire view of the galaxy just shifted about 180 degrees.  I need a drink.

-screen cuts to the inside of the reception hall-

Luke and his entourage are being served various beverages.

TED, warningly:  That wine spritzer better be for him.

Lando is holding a bottle of Whyren's Reserve Malt Liquor Beverage Product.  He grins at the camera.

LANDO:  Works—

THE ENTIRE GROUP, with a collective eye roll:  —_every_ _time_.

CARSON:  Sith, they must pay that poor man on commission or something.

-screen cuts to the final scene, Luke giving a sort-of-toast at his table-

LUKE, holding what is definitely a wine spritzer:  I'd like to extend my gratitude to each of the Fab Five guys.  They didn't have much to work with, but judging by your response, they managed to do a spectacular job.

The table claps and grins and offers congratulations and other words of support.

WES JANSON:  You seriously own a pair of leather pants now?  
  


LUKE, laughing:  Yes, yes I do.

HOBBIE, waving his hand as he chuckles:  You don't want to wear those leather pants.

CARSON, huffily:  Pudgy's just jealous because he could never wear leather pants.

-screen turns off-

TED:  Well, boys, I'd say that was a complete and total success!

THOM, raising his glass:  Cheers!

The five of them clink their glasses together, take a sip, and rise from their seats, heading for the door of their loft.

CARSON:  Y'know, I've been practicing my Jedi Mind Trick.

KYAN:  Really?  
  
CARSON, waving his hand at the camera:  You will fade to black.

-screen fades to black-

The End


End file.
